


because you’re feeling too much

by lxonardo



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Affection, Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Bonding, Cooking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Intrusive Thoughts, Light Angst, M/M, POV Killua Zoldyck, Past Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27983022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxonardo/pseuds/lxonardo
Summary: “I’m okay now. Really,” Killua lied, unconvinced by his own words. “I just couldn’t sleep, no biggie.”Gon cocked an eyebrow, seemingly unsatisfied by that answer. Even he could read through his pathetic lie. Killua averted his gaze as he ducked his head down.“Killua, you were shaking and crying just now,” Gon recalled, trailing his fingers under his chin as he firmly lifted his head up again. “You shouldn’t have to keep whatever’s bothering you all to yourself. Let me be here.”
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 10
Kudos: 97





	because you’re feeling too much

**Author's Note:**

> lol hey  
> even though no one asked, i’m out here w yet _another_ killugon fic and if you do end up reading this i hope you enjoy it! this took me many days to edit because ✨seasonal depression✨ but i finally did it .  
> also i tried writing this mainly from my personal experiences w intrusive thoughts, and i was recently dealing w them :( and lemme tell you, they are Not fun (i’m ok now!!)
> 
> tw: descriptions of violence against oneself + others & past torture/childhood abuse, slight suicidal ideation  
> pls stay safe !!

The intrusive thoughts began around dinner time.

The three teenagers were all making dinner in their small apartment in a small town. Alluka suggested they’d all cook, and Gon and Killua eagerly agreed. It would be a fun, trial-and-error experience, especially since Gon was an actual experienced cook out of the three. But he had no problem helping the Zoldyck siblings with measurements or identifying the right spices to use.

Killua suggested the dish _katsudon_ , since it seemed simple enough to make. Steamed rice with pork and (optional) vegetables on top. However, since Gon was vegetarian, he put aside tofu and certain spices to season it, something his aunt taught him while he was back in Whale Island.

Technically, Gon wasn’t even solely vegetarian. He occasionally ate fish, mainly on special occasions, and Alluka sometimes corrected him, claiming he’d actually be a pescatarian. Gon would only shrug, claiming he never really cared which you referred to him as. What he did know is that he did not care for red meat, and the only reason he ate fish was mainly for comfort. It was his main source of protein growing up. 

Killua sometimes made fun of him for liking tofu, claiming that even with the flavor, it tasted bland. That always got Gon riled up, retaliating on the fact at least he knew how to properly season his food. And that he could handle spice, not having the tastebuds of a five-year-old. That always got Alluka cackling at him, and they continued to mock him for that.

Killua may have acted extremely annoyed, but only because he couldn’t ever come up with a legitimate comeback. 

At one point, Nanika appeared, wanting to help. Recently, she began to show up more often, taking part in some of their daily activities. She especially was appealed by Gon, his caring and fun nature winning over her instantly. She loved him nearly as much as she loved Killua, and it was hard for her to completely trust anyone besides her two siblings. It had been a slow, gradual process of her breaking out of her shell, but she really grew warm to having Gon around. He’s been the only person outside her family to treat her as a human; to make sure she was well and happy. 

Gon warmly smiled at her, asking if she wanted to help chop up some green onions. Nanika’s soulless eyes crinkled in delight, as she hummed approvingly. The eldest teen guided her as he slowly placed the handle of the knife in her dominant hand, helping her properly chop the onions.

Killua couldn’t help but look away from the endearing sight, his creeping smile unsuspecting. 

He felt fuzzy inside. It was always enjoyable to see Gon and his sisters bond, since they were his two favorite people in the world. He watched as Gon praised her, his words genuine and doting. His eyes glanced towards him, following with his head, his hand still gently on top of Nanika’s. Gon flashed him his usual bright smile, making Killua’s stomach twist in a knot. He grinned back, uncaring of his now flushed cheeks, which corresponded with Gon’s.

Killua almost forgot of his own task; he was supposed to slice up the meat that laid on the chopping board. He resumed, hearing the soft ringing of Gon’s giggle before the slicing of the meat replaced it.

According to Gon’s instructions, Killua was supposed to cut the meat into thin pieces before seasoning and frying them. He would help him with the next steps as soon as he was done, which wouldn’t be too long. There were only two pieces of pork cutlet to chop up, after all.

_Slit your wrists._

Killua stilled, blinking in confusion at the random thought. He abruptly shook his head, gripping the knife tighter as he went to keep slicing the pork.

_Take that knife and stab yourself in the chest._

_What the hell?_ Killua mouthed, hand now slightly shaking. Where did these ideas come from? He couldn’t exactly remember the last time he dealt with these types of thoughts; it’d been at least a few years.

_Remember how Milluki used to drag blades throughout your skin, deep enough to draw blood?_

_Milluki_? His older brother that he hadn’t seen in years? As well as the rest of the Zoldyck members? Why the hell were they coming up now?

_Or how Illumi occasionally watched you be punished, his eyes void and opaque. Zero ounce of empathy._

_How he’d give Milluki a signal glance, a glance you knew meant to increase the torture._

”Stop it,” Killua whispered shakily, unaware of the fact the knife in his hand was now vibrating sporadically. 

_Remember being whipped for hours? How the sound of the crack ringed in your ears, or the stinging cuts and lacerations added on, getting bloodier and bl—_

“Love?”

Killua blinked again, his previous thoughts vanishing. The honey-filled voice belonged to someone of concern, and it brought him back to reality. He felt the warmth of something too familiar, someone who he trusted completely. He let out an exhale of relief; he was safe. 

“Killua? Are you alright?”

Gon’s arms were wrapped around his waist, squeezing him tightly enough where Killua felt mild discomfort. He fit snugly behind him, being a few inches shorter, and his chin rested easily on top of his shoulder. Killua nodded absentmindedly, slightly leaning back into his touch.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, looking back at him to see he wasn’t entirely convinced. He frowned, unsurprised at this concept.

“Are you sure? I thought I heard y—”

“I’m fine, Gon,” Killua cut him off, regaining his sturdy grip on the knife. He’d rather not talk about this right now. Or ever, if he could help it. 

Silence soon followed, along with the rising tension between them. Not even after two more slices of the pork, Killua sighed, looking back to Gon.

“Really, you don’t need to worry. I just zoned out for a bit. I promise I’m alright,” Killua said, pressing a kiss onto his cheek. Gon’s brows furrowed, as if he was debating on believing him. He gave him another quick squeeze before finally releasing him.

“Okay,” he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

Killua mentally kicked himself for lying. He know he’d only want to be there for him, but he didn’t want to scare off Gon about his violent thoughts. Hell, it scared _him_ off, but he couldn’t exactly separate himself from his own mind.

“Do you want some water?” Gon asked, barely giving him the chance to respond before he was already in the fridge, grabbing a water bottle. He made sure Killua was paying attention before tossing it, not wanting to accidentally hit him.

Killua effortlessly caught the bottle, opening and downing half of it before setting it down on the counter. He went back to finish slicing the pork without any inconvenience, and he and Gon seasoned and fried the meat. The same time they finished frying, Alluka had finished with cooking the rice, and Gon made them their bowls, with the rice, then pork, then the vegetables and green onion on top. After doing so, he went to cook the tofu, joining them after about ten minutes.

For the first time making katsudon, it went rather well. The dish came out delicious, and it was clear that they would make this a regular thing. It was a fun, bonding, and learning experience.

However, Killua wasn’t fully aware that Gon was still worried about him, even long after dinner. Though, he had a vague idea in the back of his mind.

The thoughts crept back up again while he showered. He was washing his body with a washcloth while conditioner was in his hair, he came across a vicious thought.

_Bash your skull against the wall. Until you see blood._

His stomach churned at that idea. He kept scrubbing himself, going slightly harder until his skin became bright red from irritation. Realizing what he did, he stopped, rinsing and folding the towel and setting it on the small plate from the hanging rack. He went under the shower head to wash off the conditioner, hands gliding through the soapy locks.

_Bash your loved ones skulls in. Watch how their brains and blood spill._

Startled, he jumped, nearly slipping as he regained balance just in time. He began shuddering, reaching out to turn the handle and turning off the water, the cold air almost immediately making contact with his skin as he pulled aside the shower curtains. He stepped out, taking slow rhythmic breaths, something Leorio had taught him for whenever he felt a panic attack coming on. He needed to calm down before he left the bathroom, mainly for Gon’s sake.

If he went out in his current condition, Gon would immediately realize something was wrong. But even how well he masked his true emotions, Gon could still read through him. He was very perceptive that way, and sometimes that was to Killua’s disadvantage.

After drying off himself, he changed into his “pajamas” which consisted of boxers and one of Gon’s old shirts. His anxiety went down immensely as soon as he put on the shirt, as the fabric still lingered some of Gon’s musky, forest scent. To most people, the scent wasn’t ideal, but it didn’t necessarily smell terrible, either. But for Killua, it was his favorite, and it always brought him comfort. Gon knew this, and sometimes he’d wear the clothes he would give or let Killua borrow. It was an unspoken exchange: Gon’s clothes in return for Killua’s serenity and trust.

He’d never admit he’d always choose his clothes over all the chocorobos in the world, not even to himself.

He went on with his nightly routine: wash his face, brush his teeth and (occasionally) brush his hair. If it weren’t for his sister’s constant bickering on how he needed to brush more to prevent knots, he’d brush his hair way less often. He was thankful he had a hygienic sister to keep him in check. But honestly, he’d prefer if Gon or Alluka brushed him, as he enjoyed the feeling of being pampered that way. But tonight, he felt more on edge, and he starting to doubt if he even deserved that attention. Especially after the vulgar thoughts he had about them. 

He took his time, as Gon had already gotten ready for bed first. It would have been easier to shower together, along with other routines, but Killua was still reluctant to do so, not really ready for doing something so intimate. Even though it wouldn’t be sexual, since they had bathed together before when they were younger, but the idea still scared him. But he would get to the point where he would be comfortable, and he knew Gon would be ready whenever he was.

After rinsing his mouth with mouthwash, he rapidly shook his head similarly to a dog, small water droplets flying all over. He smirked victoriously at his hair already in its usual fluff, quickly running a hand through the softness. He opened the bathroom door that was connected to the bedroom, seeing Gon sitting criss crossed on their bed with his phone to his ear.

He wasn’t sure who exactly he was talking to, but it was obvious it was someone Killua knew. As he crawled into bed and underneath the sheets, Gon wrapped up his conversation, claiming that he was gonna go to bed soon. He hung up his phone, placing it on his nightstand before turning towards his boyfriend.

“That was Mito!” Gon exclaimed before Killua could ask. “I wanted to tell her about our cooking experiences today! I know she would’ve loved the katsudon..”

Not too long ago, Gon decided to get his aunt a personal cellphone, one with signal that spread internationally. Undoubtedly, she’d still prefer letters, and rarely ever used her phone unless for emergencies or if Gon called her first. Which wasn’t too often, as he’d forgotten most of the time she was even in his contacts. 

Killua hummed, finally taking in the coldness of the bedroom before he submerged himself deeper into the sheets. “Oh, yeah? That’s interesting.”

“Yeah! She told me to tell you and Alluka and Nanika she says hi, and that she misses you all.”

The younger one only nodded in response, letting himself become engulfed by the soft mattress and pillows. He briefly thought about her message, suddenly feeling appreciative of having a motherly figure like Mito. He slightly felt guilty about his lack of reaction, but exhaustion washed over him, despite it only being around ten. He’d usually go to sleep later in the evening, not always deliberately. He loosely wrapped an arm around Gon’s torso, subtly pulling him closer as Gon turned towards him, an amused grin on his face.

“I presume you’re tired?” He teased, running fingers through his white locks, some areas still moist from his shower.

“Shut up,” Killua murmured, voice too raspy to carry any spite. His forehead laid inches away from Gon’s throat. 

Gon let out a chuckle, kissing the top of his head. He rested his chin on top of him, playing with the back of his hair as it helped him fall asleep.

Killua made the mistake of glancing back up, seeing Gon’s changed expression. The corners of his mouth twisted to a solemn frown, his eyes glint with his previous concern.

”Are you sure you’re okay?” Gon prodded, rubbing a hand in a rhythmic motion across Killua’s arm. “You really worried me back there.”

Killua grimaced, feeling the urge to retract into himself and disappear. He slowly inched backwards before turning over, facing away from Gon. 

“I’m okay,” he sighed irritably, closing his eyes, curling up into a ball. “You don’t need to keep worrying.” 

He knew he came off closed and spiteful. But he was too tired and anxious to care right now. He ignored how pushing him away wasn't the answer, or how it would only get worse the longer he isolated himself. He also ignored the anxiety piling in his gut from Gon’s lack of response. He wasn't about to cry in his arms, not after shrugging him off like that. Or ask if he was mad at him, especially when he already knew the answer. 

A exasperated groan left the other before the bedroom lights shut off, the bed creaking as Gon landed flatly on the mattress beside him. 

“You’re a terrible liar, Killua,” Gon mumbled, sighing in defeat before shifting away. 

Killua couldn’t muster the energy to roll his eyes before drifting off. It was harder to completely brush off the agonizing pit in his stomach, swallowing down the rueful taste in his mouth. 

But it was a good thing that Gon finally stopped pestering him, right? 

~

Expectedly, Killua couldn't fall asleep.

He kept stirring on and off. Everytime he thought he was finally relaxed and ready to go into a deep sleep, a wave of discomfort washed over, making him hyperaware and sensitive. Distant incoherent thoughts were building up in the back of his mind, and it grew overwhelming. Vileness spewed within his mind, but he did his best to ignore them and sleep it off. But it grew nearly impossible as the thoughts kept progressing, along with its content.

Even underneath the blankets, it felt freezing, his body sickly and cold. There was multiple instances where he considered curling up to Gon, but he felt he didn't deserve to after ignoring him. An involuntary shiver ran through Killua’s body, shifting once more as he gripped a pillow in his clutch.

_Kill your boyfriend. Take that pillow in your arms and suffocate him._

Killua perked up, nausea washing over him. He clasped his hand against his mouth, a faint, metallic taste residing in his tongue as he swallowed down hard. His breathing was quiet, but rapid, with his heartbeat increasing and blood pressure rising. He needed to focus on something else. Maybe he could try the breathing exerc—

_Slit his throat with your claws. It’s so easy, do it._

The teen brought his knees close, resting his chin on top as he glided his hands through his hairs. He grabbed a large amount of hair in each hand, pulling down roughly. The sharp pain pounded through his head, but it was better than dealing with hi thoughts. His vision blurred, shutting his eyes before mentally repeating mantras to himself.

_They’re not real. They’re not real. They’re only thoughts, they’re not real_.

_Kill Gon and your sisters, and then yourself._

“They’re not real,” Killua whispered, voice caught in his throat.

_You don’t deserve to live._

What he wasn’t aware of was that Gon was awake, and was deeply alarmed. It wasn’t until he felt Gon’s hands placed on his shoulders, bringing him out of his horrific reverie.

“Killua.”

He blinked slowly, now aware his face was wet from tears. He was also violently trembling, as he glanced down at his shaking hands. Small clutches of hair were also in his grasp, and he realized he unintentionally ripped them out. How long ago did he start crying? And how long had Gon been awake?

How long did he witness him like this?

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Impulsively, he shoved the hand off him, immediately curling into himself. Making himself feel small, despite being over six feet, would always be a defense mechanism for him. Though technically, it was a last resort. His lip quivered, biting down on it as he bowed his head in shame. Gon frowned, scooting closer and rubbing circles around his back, which immediately eased the tension. 

“Hey, hey, _Ki?_ It’s alright,” he reassured in a gentle voice. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

Killua started to regain a steady breathing pattern. The warm of Gon’s hand helped clear his mind and calm his nerves, and for the first time, he grew warm himself.

”Killua, baby? Can you look at me, please?” Gon’s hand halted, waiting for his response.

The former nodded, slowing sitting up but hesitantly turning his body to face him. It was nearly impossible for him to make direct eye contact right now, as his eyes felt heavy, like a dam about to break. Instead, he wrapped arms around him loosely, embracing him as he buried his face into the crook of his neck. Gon tightly hugged him back, rubbing mindlessly on his back as he stroked his hair with another hand. He wasn’t exactly coordinated, finding it hard to focus entirely on the two tasks, but it still meant everything to Killua. His body seemed more than okay accepting any type of affection this moment.

Killua felt the need to cry, so that’s exactly what he did. Tears dripped down his face, moving onto Gon’s shoulder and back, but he couldn’t bring himself to worry. Silent sobs and sniffles soon took over, and that’s all he could focus on doing. He could barely hear Gon’s soft humming, most likely a lullaby from his childhood, and he solely focused on the vibrations and melody.

Eventually, Killua’s sobbing subsided, which transferred over to an underwhelming emptiness. He let Gon gently pull him back a couple inches so they could face each other. His wet face was cupped by warm, calloused hands, and he let himself bask in them.

Gon brushed back his sticky wet bangs, planting a kiss on his forehead. Killua let out a sigh, resting his eyes as Gon slightly lifted his chin up, pressing more sweet, chaste kisses all over. Their lips briefly met, and all of Killua’s previous troubles seemed to melt away, all he could think about was Gon. His warmth, his kisses, his laughter, smile, hands, lips—everything about Gon brought him comfort and happiness. And maybe in his current bewildered state, he could admit that. 

“Killua, angel?”

Killua hummed inattentively, still entranced by his warm aura. He aimlessly traced around his back with his fingertips.

“Are you okay? Would you _please_ me what happened?”

The younger teen was forced out of his bliss, reality hitting like a brick. He had forgotten about his previous events, as his stomach flipped. Glancing at Gon for the first time, he noticed his eyes glinted with perturb, which made him even more guilty.

“I’m okay now. Really,” Killua lied, unconvinced by his own words. “I just couldn’t sleep, no biggie.”

Gon cocked an eyebrow, seemingly unsatisfied by that answer. Even he could read through his pathetic lie. Killua averted his gaze as he ducked his head down. 

“Killua, you were shaking and crying just now,” Gon recalled, trailing his fingers under his chin as he firmly lifted his head up again. “You shouldn’t have to keep whatever’s bothering you all to yourself. Let me be here.”

Killua resisted the urge to pull away, and instead nodded profusely. He knew he was right, it wouldn’t do him any good to bottle this up. He knew from experience that it wouldn’t end well, and he’d rather avoid anything like that again. But it didn’t make it any less scary or difficult, expressing his problems towards the ones he loved. Gon gave him a sad smile, nodding in encouragement. 

“I...I’ve been getting thoughts,” he began, closing his eyes as he inhaled deeply. He felt as Gon’s hands rubbed against his arms, an attempt to soothe him.

“Awful thoughts. _Violent_ thoughts.”

Killua paused, reluctantly looking back at Gon, only to see a neutral expression. He inwardly cursed himself, finding it more difficult to get his words out. Gon seemed to notice his distress, and smoothly slid his fingers into Killua’s, giving them a comforting squeeze to urge him to continue.

”Um,” Killua stammered, feeling his heartbeat increasing. “They’re...I've thought about harming myself.” 

A stinging sensation prickled near his eyes again, and he gave out a shaky breath.

”And...others.”

Gon remained silent for a moment, most likely waiting patiently for him to add anything else. But Killua really didn’t _want_ to go into grave details about the ideas that reoccurred his mind. As the deafening silence prolonged, Gon’s eyes filled with gloom, and he brought their locked fingers up to kiss his knuckles.

“Oh, Killua…” Gon trailed off, briefly squeezing his arms before pulling him closer for another hug. “I’m so sorry.”

Killua nearly choked, sputtering over his words. 

“Wh—Why are _you_ apologizing, dipshit?” He croaked, roughly pushing him back, baffled and exasperated. “ _I’m_ the one who has to deal with this, making you worry in the process! _I’m_ the one who should be sorry.”

Despite his hostile action, Killua was petrified and lost. In fact, he _needed_ the reassurance and gentle touches, no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise. 

“I’ve thought about hurting Alluka—and _you_ ,” he murmured, grasping both of his arms. He was unaware of the fact his claws were unsheathed, and they dangerously poked at his frail skin. “I thought about _killing_ you two. If I _still_ pertain these violent thoughts, how could I...how can I call myself worthy of being with you? With Alluka? I—I shouldn’t be around either of you, I—”

Warm arms embraced him once more, but he couldn’t find the energy to push him away. He slowly unlocked his grip on his own arms and slithered them around Gon, his claws retracting back before clutching on the fabric of his shirt. He focused solely on breathing through his mouth, the tension in his body gradually leaving. His head was pounding, overwhelmed the nagging instinct to pull away from the familiar arms.

_You know you don't deserve this, Kil. You only deserve pain._

“I don’t want these thoughts anymore,” he barely whispered, fresh tears streaming down his face. 

Fingers ran through his hair, slowly dismissing all negative thoughts he previously had, all tension leaving his body as he relaxed to the touch. Gon was extra gentle, making sure to go slow in case he ran into any knots. Though, there really shouldn't be any--Killua spent the extra time engrossed in brushing his hair, to the point where small hairballs were on his brush. But Gon didn't know that, and the action felt soothing regardless. 

"Killua.." Gon pressed the tip of his nose against his head, giving him a little rub before pressing a chaste kiss on the same spot. 

"You're a good person. Hell, you're the most selfless, kind, and loyal person I've ever met!" He slightly chuckled, his hand still running through his locks. "You're not your thoughts, and you never were, or will be. You acknowledging this? Acknowledging that you _don't_ want these ideas running through your head? That just _proves_ my point!"

Killua glanced up at him, biting his tongue to hold back a disruptive whine. It was always hard for him to completely accept himself as a changed person, despite both the mental and literal scars he's gotten to prove that.

"Me, Alluka, and Nanika? We love you, and we're _so_ grateful for you in our lives. We all agree that it wouldn't be the same without you." 

Gon kissed his forehead, right on the tiny scar from where Killua had ripped out the pin Illumi planted there years ago. His face flushed, but subtly pressed his temple closer, insinuating for another kiss. And another kiss was planted, and he let himself a faint smile. 

“Thanks,” he said, pressing their foreheads together. “And also sorry..”

He was met with a slight pout, and Gon grabbed his cheeks, planting kisses all over his face without warning. Killua tried to pull away, but his boyfriend wouldn't let up, and he eventually gave in with a sigh. 

"Don't apologize, _Ki-llu-ah!_ " he whined lowly between kisses. "You're never a burden to me!"

"But I-- _ah!_ \--made you worry!" 

“I'd worry regardless!" he stared intently at him, completely serious. "You telling me what's wrong makes me worry _less_ , if anything. So _please_ , tell me, or Alluka, if you're ever dealing with anything. We care and want to help you as much as we can!" 

Killua’s expression softened, replaced with a small smile and a slight nod. He felt lucky being best friends with someone who’s so patient and kind, no matter how stubborn and difficult Killua’s exterior was. Years ago, he would have cursed himself for letting Gon break through to him like this, but now? He gladly welcomed him in. 

He wrapped arms around his neck, pulling him in for a loving kiss, which nearly made Gon jump in surprise. Immediately, Gon kissed back passionately, softly, to ensure to get the message across that he was safe, and he deserved this love.

They released almost as soon as they started, temples still pressed against each other’s. Killua’s eyes were closed, relishing in their space, and feeling Gon’s beaming grin radiate.

“Oh, dove? I meant what I said before,” his eyes gleamed with sincerity and warmth, making it hard for Killua to look away. 

“You really are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met,” he continued. “You’d do anything to protect those you truly care about. You’ve done that for both your sisters and me, and we love and appreciate you so, _so_ much, Killua.”

The aforementioned pressed his lips, afraid to speak in fear of breaking again. It became harder to maintain direct eye contact with him, especially as his eyes prickled with tears. How he still had tears to produce, he didn’t know.

“You may have come from a broken family, and maybe, for the longest time, you believed the same was true for yourself.”

Killua subconsciously tightened his grip around Gon’s neck, spurs of short tremors breaking out.

“You are everything _but_ broken! You're so cool, and smart, and talented, and I _still_ sometimes think 'Wow, how did someone as amazing as _Killua Zoldyck_ become my best friend? Let alone my _boyfriend?'"_

_”..._ Even despite everything that’s happened between us; after I’ve hurt you.” 

“Shut the hell up,” Killua mumbled into his shoulder. “ _You_ were hurt, too. Whatever, it might not have been an excuse, but I’ve already forgiven you, dummy.. You’ve become a better person since then.” 

“And you really thought _you_ haven’t?”

Gon ran fingers through his now thorough dry, soft hair, completely taming down the other, his tremors coming to a gradual stop. Killua was too stunned to even make a snarky reply to his recent statement. He was even more amazed with the comparison to admit he was right.

“Your hair is so soft, like a cloud. Or, at least, I’d imagine your hair would be how clouds feel like. And your eyes? They’re so beautiful, like the ocean, I always get lost in them..”

Killua's eye twitched, and he let out a snort. It was amusing to see how easily Gon could change the subject. 

“I love you _so_ much, Killua. I have so much love for you, it’s overwhelming!” He grinned sheepishly at the last part, pressing a chaste kiss to his cheek as to prove his point.

“And I’m really glad you love me back. I’m so glad I get to fully admire you, every part of you; the good and the bad. It’s what I fell in love with, after all.”

Killua was now bright red, and he buried his face into Gon’s chest, mumbling how embarrassing he was being. He wasn’t expecting for him to go off on a tangent about everything he loved about him. Especially not in the middle of the night. He felt the vibrations of Gon’s giggles, which he secretly enjoyed as he was engulfed in his familiar scent.

“ _God_ , you just love torturing me, don’t you?” Killua mumbled into the fabric of his shirt.

_Though, I'd much rather prefer this method of torture over any other I've endured.._

“Yep!” Gon cheered, oblivious to his reluctance. He planted yet another kiss on top of his head. “I’ll do it anytime of the day! Whether it's 3 P.M., or A.M.!”

“ _Gon_..” Killua drawled, annoyed but enticed.

“It’s true! You’re more than worth it, and I’ll gladly remind you any time.”

At this, Killua rubbed his face against his chest, wiping off any lingering tears. He pressed a gentle kiss against his collarbone, causing the other to nearly squeak in surprise.

“Thank you, Gon..” He blushed again, suddenly feeling small and vulnerable. "For being here. For reminding me I actually matter. That I’m not broken." 

Gon smiled, ignoring how his cheeks began to sting from it. He couldn’t help that he smiled the most around Killua, not that he ever wanted to. 

“I’ll always be here, _Ki_. And you really don’t need to thank me; it’s not only my job as your best friend, but lover to make sure you’re okay.” 

Killua snickered, finally glancing back up and meeting with soft honey-brown eyes. 

“You’re so goddamn cheesy, y’know that?” 

“Can’t help it when I’m with you!” Gon playfully stuck out his tongue, ruffling up his hair. Killua wasn’t bothered at all by it.

“But are you alright now? Did you wanna go back to sleep? Or did you need something to drink? Eat?”

Normally, Killua would be slightly overwhelmed with his nurturing personality, and claim that he was fine. But it made him realize that he felt restless, and he probably would have a hard time falling back asleep. The idea of having something warm to drink intrigued him as well, maybe help to soothe his nerves.

“I want hot chocolate,” Killua said quietly, looking up with pleading eyes that he knew would break Gon. He was more than half sure he would have agreed to make him the drink regardless, but there was a chance he’d reprimand him for wanting something to sugary in the middle of the night. And obviously, he could care less about the nutritional details, or therefore lack of. 

Gon sighed, unsurprised by his suggestion. He kissed his brow before pulling away, and the other teen slightly whined at his lack of presence. But Gon only got up to walk around their bed over to Killua’s side, opening his arms in gesture to carry him. Killua immediately crawled into his arms, and Gon carried him from the front, hands locked around lower thighs. He walked them over to the kitchen with ease, despite carrying his boyfriend who was slightly over six feet tall.

Ten minutes later, after the milk was done scalding, Gon took the handle of the pot, carefully pouring the liquid in a porcelain mug. The mug was a small gift Alluka gotten for Killua, and it contained of painted lightning bolts that covered the entire cup. She also gotten Gon a matching mug with painted suns of them, to which Killua chortled at. 

Killua had also made a groundbreaking discovery that using chocorobos for hot chocolate tasted good. He grabbed a box, carelessly dumping about half the content into his mug and watched as the liquid almost constantly turned chocolate brown. This earned a chortle from Gon, and he flipped him off as he took a sip, ignoring the burning sensation on his tongue. 

Soon enough, a third party showed up at the kitchen, the young girl’s eyes droopy from a lack of sleep. She stifled a yawn, glaring at the bright light that illuminated throughout the dark apartment. 

“Why’re you guys up so late..?” Alluka asked, voice strained of drowsiness. In her arm was a pink frog plushie, courtesy of Gon. “Is everything okay?” 

Killua placed down his mug on the counter, reaching over to pat her head. She embraced him, still holding onto her plushie as she squeezed, and he followed suit. 

“Yeah, we’re okay, bunny,” He grinned, noticing how Alluka twitched her nose at the nickname. She wouldn’t explicitly admit it, but Killua knew she’s grown used to the nickname Gon originally proposed for her.

“I just had a rough night, but I’m alright now,” he pulled back, reaching out a hand towards Gon, who gladly took it. “Mainly thanks to Gon..”

Gon squeezed his hand, smiling warmly before he leaned in a planted a small kiss on his cheek. Killua blushed, but didn’t scold him for the unwarranted affection in front of Alluka. She giggled, putting a hand over her mouth in a failed attempt to mask it.

”If you mean with just kisses and words of affirmation, then I’m glad!” She said cheerily, ignoring how her brother narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “If you’re implying something else, then I don’t wanna know!” 

Killua sputtered, struggling to find a response while Gon howled in laughter, his own freckled cheeks glowing red. He was harshly elbowed in his stomach, cutting off his laugh abruptly as he gasped in pain. 

“Ow, _Killua_!” 

“You do _not_ get to laugh at my sister’s innuendos if I’m not!” 

Gon stuck out his tongue, blowing him a raspberry before glancing back at Alluka, who was now laughing at their squabble. 

“Tell your brother to stop being so mean to me?” He pleaded, his tone jovial and harmonic. She only shrugged back, and they both knew it was impossible for that to happen anytime soon.

“Oh! Did you also want hot chocolate? Or tea?” 

Her laughter died down, and she shook her head. “I’m alright, but thank you. I don’t really feel like tea, and hot chocolate is too...sweet. Sorry, Brother.” She said with a shrug, pushing back a strand of her black hair. 

Killua gasped dramatically, draping a hand over his chest. “How dare you!”

”She’s kinda right, _Ki_.” 

He gasped louder, slight genuine hurt in his act. 

“Betrayed by the two people I care about? It hurts. I literally won’t recover...” 

Alluka scoffed, rolling her eyes as she playfully hit him with her plushie. “Pipe down, _gayboy_. Hot chocolate isn’t the best sweet, even you know that.” 

She and Gon shared an amused glance, snickering as Killua glared intently at them before softening up. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

“Obviously, I am. I mean, you have Gon right there,” she teased, biting her lip as he went red once more. It was even harder to contain her laughter when Gon erupted in giggles, earning him another nudge. 

~  
  


They laid in their bed once more, with Alluka respectively in her own room. As much as it was nice to have a conversation in the middle of the night, it was starting to take a toll on their well-being. 

Gon was spooning Killua, a position he knew was his favorite. He traced doodles around his stomach and chest, to which he found relaxing. 

“How’re feeling?” Gon asked eventually, gently kissing the back of his hair-covered neck. The sensation tickled Killua as he let out a snicker. 

“Better,” Killua said earnestly, placing his hand on top of Gon’s, giving him a squeeze. “Thanks to you.” 

He sighed longingly as he rested his eyes, letting the feeling of his hands lull him. He could feel Gon’s grin against his neck, and he couldn’t help but grin himself.

“I’m happy you’re alright..” he nuzzled him, a quiet yawn escaping him. “I love you, Killua.” 

Within a few moments, soft snoring followed, which surprisingly gave Killua comfort. Most of the time, the snoring bothered him, but that was on him for being a light sleeper. But right now, he wanted to be in all of Gon’s presence, and he found himself in the brink of unconsciousness. 

“I love you, too..” Killua murmured, falling deeper into sleep. “My sunlight.”

He wasn’t completely aware if Gon’s grip actually tightened around him, or if the lack of rest made him delusional. 

The rest of the night, Killua had a dreamless, pleasant sleep, from the assist of warmth by hot chocolate and Gon.

**Author's Note:**

> happy holidays ! i hope you guys are doing well :>
> 
> i also have another killugon draft in the works that i rlly wanna publish, it’ll most likely be in multiple parter tho :o  
> idk when i’ll have it done so uh, if you care look out for that? hopefully i can get at least one part of it up within the next month or so *~*


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